Friday, May 25, 2007
I was watching a funny-as-a-piece-of-cold-toast comedy called 'Meet the Robinsons' the other night, willing it to get better because it has the Office's lovable Tim character in it. What really turned me off was the Tim character's hugely stereotyped brother and sister - fussy high achievers who belong only in 3rd grade comedies and not in the real world.
The sister dropped her boyfriend because he didn't find 'Fawlty Towers' funny. YAY!!! Neither do I - I hate it! I find Basil about as amusing as an amoeba and consider his beating up of Manuel, stupid theatrics and escalating situations to crisis point to be unpleasantly stressful viewing. The fact that they only made about 6 episodes that keep screening over and over in an effort to indoctrinate non-believers in the 'supremacy' of British comedy makes me hate it more.
Now that that admission is off my chest, here are a few more:
Jennifer Jason Leigh, Nic Cage, Chevy Chase -
I've lumped these three 'actors' in together because I have never, ever seen a movie with any of them in it that they have
a) done a good job in;
b) I've enjoyed watching, or
c) has become a modern or cult classic.
JJL looks permanently unhinged, Nic Cage has about as much charisma as a cowpat and Chevy Chase has a stupid, "I think I'm really funny and sexy" look on his face that I just want to slap right off. I'm not sure what Miss UnHinged is up to these days and Chevy Chase was last seen doing an advertisement for car insurance here in Australia***, and Nic Cage just seems to be playing dress ups and marrying foetuses....
Casablanca and Citizen Kane
No-one is prepared to admit that nearly every single bloody 'Greatest Movies Of all Time' lists have these two godawful time-wasters in them because people are too scared to admit how crapulously awful they are, and slot them in because they think they have to. It's like we're all scared to admit that we might prefer watching 'Clueless' or 'Ferris Bueller's Day Off' over and over, so we all put down the obvious ones so that no-one takes us aside, strips us naked and parades us on the internet as 'Cinematically Challenged.'
Casawanka hasn't improved with age but merely shows that Ingrid Bergmann displayed about as much acting talent as a bench seat, and Humphrey Bogart is about as believably attractive as my Dad's old golf bag.
As for Orson - I *ate* the Zerox machine - Welles, his epic suck-fest is just one huge love letter to himself. Boring from start to finish. Now let's all be honest in our movie votes from now on, so that we'll see the movies on it that we watch the most - or at least every time they're on TV and we're at home - Star Wars, Gladiator, Life of Brian, When Harry Met Sally.....Birdy Num Num!
Catcher in the Rye
Again, this pointless piece of printed pap gets trotted out on all 'literary classics' lists, yet is about an unlikeable, unrealistic and stupid waste of space and his 'travels'. About as inspiring as David Hasselhoff's temperance treaties and yet no-one wants to admit that they don't know what the hell it's all about. Why not admit that we all read Hailey's 'Roots' from cover to cover, as we did Henry Charriere's 'Papillon', Leon Uris's 'The Exodus', and hell - anything by Nick Hornby, Bill Bryson and Douglas Adams?
Why do so many normally-sensible people go nuts when they approach a buffet table groaning with plate loads of whole cooked prawns? How can rather bland tasting sea meat be worth such adulation and why-oh-why would anyone wish to end up smelling like a dead shark's arse when they're splattered with juices, prawn poo-pipes and beady black eyes from dismembering the poor little shrimps?
Peeled, yes, I can go a few of those, but unpeeled, no. They are simply not worth the effort.
Give me an egg and bacon sandwich any day, and don't forget the lindt balls, cheese platter, champagne and top quality coffee....
David 'Kochie' Koch from the Sunrise Show
His swarmy, self-satisfied smug mug annoys the living crap out of me and I fly into a ranting rage every time I see him on television. So much so that Love Chunks pats me patronisingly on the knee and says, "We know, dear, we know" and backs out of the room slowly with the remote control shoved up his jumper.
David Koch likes to portray himself as the 'normal, everyday Aussie bloke' yet has written best-selling books on how to invest money, make a buck or million and wouldn't know what a real Aussie battler was if it came shoved a broken VB bottle up his $300 Country Road bum.
The two trapped Tassie miners were 'lucky' enough to have him barge into their ambulance after being stuck underground for two weeks - wouldn't that be great? A faceful of Kack-tastic Kochie before you've had a chance to eat, drink, shower or receive any medical treatment? Perhaps we should get the 'Chaser' guys to do that to Kochie when he's having his first aneurysm....
Angela used to be a regular visitor on Working Dog's 'The Panel' on channel ten, endlessly name dropping the celebrities she was paid to interview 'exclusively'. Clearly she believed in her own importance and value and remained oblivious to my shouts of 'Shut UP you mental pgymy!' every time she appeared.
It seemed pretty obvious that 'The Panel' merely endured her presence, knowing full well those 'exclusives' were her allotted two minutes of the star's time during an 18 hour Australian junket and, being a channel ten show, they were contracturally obliged to feature her. No doubt too it was the same for their interminable Big Brother segment which eventually caused me to avoid their show altogether.
Now Angela has about as much insight and talent as, well, pretty much everyone else on the planet, really. Perhaps Mum (Bronwyn, she of the Cement BeeHive and anti-pensioner fame) might have helped things along a bit, but we can all feel certain that no casting couch acrobatics were involved.
If this guy wasn't already partnered and a father, I'd set him up with Angela so they could while away their days preening each other whilst gazing over each other's shoulders at their own reflections in the mirror.
This guy seems to be one of Rove's entourage but has neither the skill, charm or comic timing of Rove or any other stand up comedian with a microbe of talent. He seems to think that broad caricatures and YELLING out his punch line makes him an 'everyman' and therefore funny, and looks as though he's about to burst out laughing at his own hilarity. Some words of advice to you, Petey boy: you are about as funny as a dead kitten and possess the wit of a deaf mute. Quit the comedy and go and find yourself a nice job selling photocopiers.
Another Australian 'funny man' that I've never ever found even remotely amusing. For some reason 'Working Dog' (The Late Show, The Panel) are friendly with him and he seems to get praise - and work - from basking in their reflected glory.
His much-celebrated job as radio cost with Tony Martin was 100% due to Tony Martin. Tony is quick, clever and inventive whereas Mick seems to think that being an overweight slob with a broad accent qualifies as champagne comedy.
Perhaps he, Peter Hellier and even Dave Hughes should club together to open up an Aussie Home Loans franchise where they could serve the bogans they purport to represent in their performances. At least that way they'll be off the air and out of my hair.
*** If 'stars' come down to Australia to do paid advertisements, they are sooooo very close to having the clause 'Will Work for Food' permanently tattooed on their foreheads and in their contracts. See also Tom Selleck, Tara Reid, Pamela Anderson, Matt LeBlanc.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
We haven't heard much from Jerry Seinfeld since finishing his show and doing his bit to repopulate the earth, so it was a pleasant surprise to see him do the publicity rounds for his new movie.
His new flick presumably for children and not anything to do with remaining 'the master of his domain' and the outfit is rather forgiving for any middle-aged paunch he may have developed, thus negating the need to keep changing his jeans labels to '32 inch' (old 'Seinfeld' fans will understand)
Shitney's 'Road to Recovery' seems to be rather non-traditional one of never going home, forgetting she has two children and donning outfits consisting of her little sister's strawberry shortcake braces and nanna's sarong.
And while we accept that Britney is the master of clothing understatement, Christina Aguilera is the reigning queen when it comes to 'barely there' make up.
This picture has done the rounds already but it shocks me to see 'our Cate' impersonating an albino stick insect on crack.
Lyndsey LieDown is the only person on earth who can make an innocuous black and white striped t-shirt into a piece of clothing sluttier than a sequinned nipple sticker.
Monday, May 21, 2007
The girls/ladies/comrades/sisters at my work are all extremely intelligent, hard-working, gorgeous and broad-minded. Every day I learn something from them and admire their research goals, social consciences and their senses of humour.
However, there's one thing they enjoy doing that is so predictable and provides me with no end of free amusement. They love to read articles in The Australian or opinions and quotes attributed to fellow bozos John Howard/Peter Costello/Tony Abbott/Joe Hockey/Alexander Downer - hell, even Nicole Cornes - and puff themselves up with righteous indignation..
You know, that MillyMoo ought to take a good, hard look at herself...
Yes, she should pull her socks up and remember her manners....
Every morning, as we all arrive, get our coffees and ease ourselves into our working day, my esteemed colleagues start up their ecstasy of outrage conversations. The names have been changed to protect the innocent, but it tends to go something like this:
Dulcie: Oooh, did you see what that Peter Hendy bloke from the Chamber of Commerce wrote about the latest WorkChoices debacle? He's the spitting image of Peter Reith----
Joyce: ----as if one wasn't ugly and awful enough------
Esme: That's nothing. What about that stupid Pecker head Corrigan and his arse-end article on why the 'Bastard Boys' got it all wrong? All it proves is that they were right - he is a total pecker head! Greg Combet got a good run though.... He's not a bad piece of intellectual erotica is he? I'd gladly take off his glasses and -----
Eunice: Steady on Esme, it's only 9.15am and you haven't even finished your skinny capp yet!
Mmm, well I'm still reeling at the sheer cheek of Johnny Boy Howard telling Alan Jones that he's a forward thinker---
Mavis: ----maybe forward from 1954 to 1955, heh heh heh-----
Dulcie, entering the office: Nicole Cornes has kept her blonde head down for a bit, hasn't she?
Joyce: Most likely being indoctrinated by Rudd's little roustabouts. You know, learning how to spell 'parliament', picking out Kevin Rudd from a line-up and memorising their policy on uranium and that.
Esme: I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than the frontal lobotomy that Nicole needs to function properly-----
Eunice: Don't you worry, I've already nominated you for taking tickets at the next union fundraiser, so keep a hold of those brain cells, you hear?
Mavis: What about me? I'll even shave my legs for the event if I'm allowed to get up on stage and maintain the rage...."
I sit there and have a good chuckle at their friendly and familiar rants. All I need to do to get their ire going is to continue to yell out stuff like "Andrew Bolt", or "Jeanette Howard's in the Bulletin as Mother of the Year" or "The cute guy from the Chaser is dating Angela Bishop". If only I could harness their good humoured verbal vitriol as a green energy source.
Bless them - their average age is thirty six!
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Have you ever wondered just where all the fluff that we produce actually ends up?
On Saturday I spent at least half an hour of my precious time bent over like a rice-planter with osteoporosis vainly trying to brush in dozens of dog hairs, dust bunnies, greyish lint, Love Chunks' whiskers, balls of cotton from our new flannelette sheets - and god knows what other sources of fluff - into a dustpan.
If I'd bothered to think clearly I would have realised that dragging out the vaccuum cleaner and sucking out the fluff once and for all was easier than continually chasing dusty fluffy puffs around and around the house.
The humble dustpan-and-broom (or brush, really) must be vaguely related to the Van-Der Graaf generator that we all had to put our hands on in year nine science and have our hair rise up higher than Hugh Hefner on his horizontal folkdancin' meds. Why, I hear you breathlessly ask yourselves - I'll tell you why - there's obviously some kind of unspoken static electricity that propels dust bunnies away from the broom or dustpan. This natural action thereby condemns the sweeper (in this case, me) to many wasted minutes of bending over to sweep, swearing in frustration as the fluff floats off somewhere else, shuffling over to said fluff whilst still remaining stooped, seeing it again f*** off out of reach, swear again and eventually stand up, red-faced, angry and clutching lower back.
So, not only is the stuff inexplicably everywhere but it's impossible to catch and destroy once and for all. And how come we end up with a handful of greyish blue fluff after each cycle in the spin dryer yet our clothes still look the same? How much fluff is left before our clothes one day simply give up the ghost and fall right off? I mean - hey, it seems to happen a lot in soft porn movies and maybe they're bravely documenting the outcomes of using the dryer too much.....
More importantly, how often does our hair 'down south' regenerate? It must be pretty bloody often if our puke-inducing pale pink bathroom floor is anything to go by (no, it wasn't chosen by us and will hopefully be removed soon). Strangely, when my answer to the sales woman's question of 'What floor tiles are you looking for?' was "Something that is pubic hair, belly button lint and towel fluff camouflaging", I didn't get quite the selection I was hoping for. Instead, we were rather gruffly handed a few brochures and pushed towards the automatic exit doors.
Is there something this un-identified flying fluff could be used for, in the name of public good? Could it be converted to a constantly available energy source, or as a cheap filling for raincoats and the dinghies we'll need when the polar caps finally melt? An instant supply of undergarments readily available to mentally starved 'AActresses' and heiresses at mobile phone launches?
All very valid queries, just crying out for good, scientific answers and implementation....
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Hi there regular readers. It's Dogadoo here, filling in for MillyMoo who is on a detox bender and can no longer sit still enough on the computer chair before her farts raise her butt off the seat like a hovercraft and it starts spinning her around and around like the poor kid in the Exorcist.
At the moment I'm the only person at home who can bear to be in the same room as her. At the first sign of one of her aromatic farts, Sapphire and Love Chunks run to the other end of the house. As for me, I don't think she's ever smelt better. It sure beats that dreadful Chloe perfume and Rexona roll on she coats herself in every morning, let alone that sinister peppermint foam she fills up her mouth with twice a day. My toiletry needs are far simpler - give me a dead seagull to roll in and a ant-infested piece of roadkill to snuffle and I'm a happy little beast.
The first photo shows me in my favourite spot, the beanbag. Actually it's my second favourite: my all time favourite is lying anywhere on my back with a willing human scratching my tummy. Once MillyMoo entered a chatroom posing as me. She said that I was 21 (which is three in human years), had brown eyes, auburn hair, was an outdoor girl who was very affectionate, sporty and loved to make friends. She had to close down her account soon after because as soon as she wrote, "My favourite position is lying on my back in every room of the house". I'm not sure of the reason why, but overheard Love Chunks saying something to her like 'Thanks to you the server's in meltdown mode and who is that weirdo standing outside in the street wearing nothing but a dirty parka and a video camera.'
It's been too easy to digress: today is all about ME. Me and my daily suffering. You see once I overheard MillyMoo on the phone to a friend saying, "Oh dogs are soooo much easier than kids. At least you can leave them outside in the garden all day with a bowl of water and some crunchies."
This was very disappointing to hear, to say the least. Can't she see that by 8.00am I'm already fearing the inevitable departure of my Alpha family by 8.30am, leaving me all alone in the garden with only my old bones and flat tennis balls for company?
No matter how hard I try to work my adorable 'Please don't leave me' face (check me out below - I have built-in black eye liner that MillyMoo would die for), MM's heart is harder than a male Cocker Spaniel after a second in the breeding kennel.
She just pats me on the head and burbles, "See ya later Furry Face," and laughs at her cruel nickname as she shuts the gate in my face. Yes, she laughs. Laughs at my heartbreak, my misery and my sadness.
I'd like to give her something to really laugh about but then I remember that she's also the one who feeds me and takes me for runs around the school oval. Once she even dressed me in a leotard but I'm working on forgiving her for that one.....
By 8:30am, Love Chunks has long since left for work, and MillyMoo and Sapphire are leaving for school together. I make a mad dash to the other side gate and put in a gargantuan effort to silently plead with them to take pity on my impending loneliness and stay with me. Or to take me with them.
MillyMoo has taken me to Sapphire's school a few times for 'Show and Tell.' This is always great fun for me because all the kids are sitting down on the carpet in a circle and so their faces are really easy for me to lick. One time Ben had brought in his two pet rabbits and I nearly chewed through their cane travel basket so that Ms Evelyn had to stand up on a chair with the bunnies on her head. The worst time was when MillyMoo spray painted my back green so that I'd match Sapphire's hair when she left for Sportsday. I hated it when they were laughing at me - it was like Christmas time when I had to wear a poxy little Santa hat or last year when I had a red bone with flashing lights put on my collar.
I've also been to work with MillyMoo a couple of times, but she seems to get really mad when I do a whizzer on the floor inside but don't do one outside when she takes me for a walk around the grounds. What does she expect - drizzling on demand? I got lots of attention and pats on those visits though and one nice lady - Jo I think her name was - also smelled a bit of dog and she played with me for so long her black velvet coat looked orange when she left. Ah, fun times.
Here's the final photo of me trying to shove my whole head through the gate. I tend to throw in a couple of whines to make the entire scene more pitiful but they leave me anyway.
Then I am all alone, the house all to myself, no-one to play with, nothing to do, no-one caring one iota about me. I'm about to let out a howl when ----
What's that - Ooooh, it's a magpie - gotta chase it!
Whoah, there's a few more rotten plums over here - do I eat them or roll in them - decisions decisions---
Hey hey HEY - get out of here you stupid lizard. Don't you dare hiss at me-----oh. That hurt. Let me just say that I'm letting you live and be free out of the goodness of my Good-O heart, scaly brain----
Whoo Hoo - yes MJ, I can hear you through the fence too! Did you owner leave you too? Why don't we----
Oi! Oi you, postman! Get your filthy fingers out of my letterbox you minibike riding mongrel---
Bonus - some old lamb bone from last winter...I'll just drag it over to the door mat and-----
----Well whaddaya know - at least three cats have crapped in this flower bed since last night...
Yay they're home already! WHOO HOO! I love youse all !!!!!!!
Thursday, May 03, 2007
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
......a slap in the head for bothering me.
It's time to update those old chestnuts that tend to get automatically wheeled out whenever we're faced with an annoying problem. They serve no purpose other than to make the listener feel even more frustrated about their situation and tempted to give the utterer of the saying a quick, stinging flick on the nose.Here's some of my own interpretations for your consideration.
Too many cooks
.....have websites, magazine columns, TV shows and tie-in cook books. Turn the camera off and get back into the kitchen where you belong and cook me a meal that I can a) afford, b) actually want to eat, and c) is not made using only the finest Valhrona chocolate, Andeluvian goat lips or some other stupid ingredient I have to hire a sherpa to find and a bank manager to cough up the money for.
A Rolling Stone gathers
.....far too much money for strutting around on stage like a geriatric piece of beef jerky when he really should shut up singing, stop shagging models young enough to be his children and retire. Quietly.
A bird in the hand is worth more than
.....a poo splattered on top of your head after tweety flaps off into the sky
Ask not what your country can do for you but what you can do
....to amuse yourself on long haul economy-class flights and in doctors' waiting rooms. Preferably with nothing to hand but a 1981 Readers Digest, a Tickle-me-Elmo with both eyes missing and a cheese sandwich stuck under the coffee table.
Give a man a fish and he'll feed for a day. Give a man a
......remote control and you won't hear from him for hours.
A problem shared is a problem
..... hand-balled on to some other poor sod.
England expects that every man should do his duty
......but hopefully not in his pants.
We shall fight them on the land, we shall fight them on the beaches, we shall
.......put those pesky refugees into a 'processing internment facility' on Christmas island to rot longer than David Hicks, unfortunately.
'Tis better to have loved and lost
....than to still be a dateless virgin at 43 who believes that Michael Jackson is a well-adjusted, single bloke still looking for a mature, heterosexual life partner or that Pete Doherty just needs a nice hot bath.
All that glistens is not .....a boogie on your shoulder, is it?
I think therefore I...... will be praying fervently that John Howard doesn't get voted in again by the hordes of mental pygmies out there who actually believed that he influenced interest rate increases and George Bush could remember what his name was.
You had me at Hello..... so this time can we at least sit down and find out each other's names first?
I am not an animal!.....I just look and act like one (Tommy Lee)
Frankly my dear, I don't give ...... a fat rat's clacker to charities who phone me up just as I'm mid-way through dishing out the evening meal, putting my child in the bath or just about to water the garden/hang out a load of washing/read the mail/have a long session in the loo.
To err is human. To forgive is... pretty bloody silly in this age of litigation and payouts.